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You’ve heard of values, you see references to them in the literature, even your best friends talk about “honoring values,” but really, now, what is a value? Is it just some buzzword designed to employ trainers and coaches? Something to help writers reap in the bucks?

Well, even though some of those things do happen, that’s not what values are. Values are who you are. It’s just that simple. Values are so intrinsic to who you are that it’s sometimes difficult to identify them. It’s like the old saying “If you want to know about water, don’t ask a fish.” You are so close to your values and they are such an integral part of you that you can’t see them.

Take Anne for example. She’s a client who came to me because she hated her job as a real estate secretary and was too frightened to quit because she needed her health care benefits. The irony was that her job was making her sick, thus creating the urgent need for those benefits. The underlying value for her was security. She needed to know that there was a cushion, a safety net, before she could make a move. Before that realization, she thought she could never change professions because of her health. She was locked in.

When the value of security came to light, she found a different source for her health care, quit her job, went back for training and changed careers. Anne has happily transitioned into a completely new profession that honors more of her values: beauty and helping people (she’s an aesthetician). Her new job also provides medical coverage. When you recognize your values, when you’re the fish that can see the water, then life’s decisions are a little easier to make. You have an inner guidance system that works especially for you.

When Values are Dishonored

A dishonored value creates discontent in your life. It’s as though something important is being stepped on. Your life is not being lived fully.

Someone with a deep value around travel that is not noticing and paying attention to that value is going to be sadly wistful, always wondering if that’s all there is. To honor that value might mean going for a drive on Sunday afternoon, going to hear a lecture on Tibetan llama farms, or saving, saving, saving for a year’s backpacking trip across Europe. When you know what the value is, you can plan for it, honor it, and find fulfillment in your life.

Naming Your Values

It has been said that there are only about 250 values out there, and they show up in people in varying degrees at different times. Actually, it doesn’t matter what someone else calls your value, what matters is what you discover about yourself.

I learned of a client who was describing to her coach a poster hanging on her wall. In it was a picture of a tiny kitten looking in a mirror. Looking back at the kitten from the mirror was a tiger. This client was very moved by the look in the tiger’s eyes: the strength of character, the braveness, the calmness. There was no word to adequately describe that look, yet it represented a value that touched the client deeply. She named that value “tiger’s eyes.” Not a word that would mean much to you or I, but it captured something of importance to that client. Now, when she calls on her inner strength, the value of “tiger’s eyes,” she has a visual image of what is important about that value. It helps her to live the value more fully.

Sometimes a word may mean something to one person that is different from what you or I would think it means. For example, the value of “connection” means to me the spark of life that goes from one person to another. For me, connection can happen walking down the hallway of an office building, or between my son and myself. I had a client who had a different interpretation of that same value. For her, “connection” was intensely private. She felt “connection” with close family members and friends, but acquaintances and people she knew at a distance carried a different value, “community.” Both of us are right. That’s the thing about discovering your values: nobody gets to be wrong.

Good and Bad Values

Many times people think values have to be honorable, or “good” in order to be a real value. There is no big “values cop” that punishes you if you value something that goes against public opinion or social mores. The truth is, if you can’t live without this value being honored in your life, then it’s your value, no matter what it is or what anyone else thinks. (Of course if you value something that is illegal, society has consequences.)

When I was in training to become a Certified Professional Coach, one of my classmates identified in herself a value that honored living well. Our assignment was to wear something that represented our value. She brought a borrowed mink stole to class and wore it all day. Whenever she was wrapped in that stole, she sat taller, took longer steps when she walked, and had the most serene look on her face. Even though some people might have judgments about opulence, or wearing fur, honoring her value made her more of who she was. She, on that day, was fulfilled.

And that’s the point really, to identify and live your values. When you are clear about what must be in your life, then you know what to say no to and when. Life is simpler.


Articles Honoring Values by Debra DeVilbiss You’ve heard of values, you see references to them in the literature, even your best friends talk about “honoring values,” but really, now, what is a value? Is it just some buzzword designed to employ trainers and coaches? Something to help writers reap in the bucks? Well, even though some of those things do happen, that’s not what values are. Values are who you are. It’s just that simple. Values are so intrinsic to who you are that it’s sometimes difficult to identify them. It’s like the old saying “If you want to know about water, don’t ask a fish.” You are so close to your values and they are such an integral part of you that you can’t see them. Take Anne for example. She’s a client who came to me because she hated her job as a real estate secretary and was too frightened to quit because she needed her health care benefits. The irony was that her job was making her sick, thus creating the urgent need for those benefits. The underlying value for her was security. She needed to know that there was a cushion, a safety net, before she could make a move. Before that realization, she thought she could never change professions because of her health. She was locked in. When the value of security came to light, she found a different source for her health care, quit her job, went back for training and changed careers. Anne has happily transitioned into a completely new profession that honors more of her values: beauty and helping people (she’s an aesthetician). Her new job also provides medical coverage. When you recognize your values, when you’re the fish that can see the water, then life’s decisions are a little easier to make. You have an inner guidance system that works especially for you. When Values are Dishonored A dishonored value creates discontent in your life. It’s as though something important is being stepped on. Your life is not being lived fully. Someone with a deep value around travel that is not noticing and paying attention to that value is going to be sadly wistful, always wondering if that’s all there is. To honor that value might mean going for a drive on Sunday afternoon, going to hear a lecture on Tibetan llama farms, or saving, saving, saving for a year’s backpacking trip across Europe. When you know what the value is, you can plan for it, honor it, and find fulfillment in your life. Naming Your Values It has been said that there are only about 250 values out there, and they show up in people in varying degrees at different times. Actually, it doesn’t matter what someone else calls your value, what matters is what you discover about yourself. I learned of a client who was describing to her coach a poster hanging on her wall. In it was a picture of a tiny kitten looking in a mirror. Looking back at the kitten from the mirror was a tiger. This client was very moved by the look in the tiger’s eyes: the strength of character, the braveness, the calmness. There was no word to adequately describe that look, yet it represented a value that touched the client deeply. She named that value “tiger’s eyes.” Not a word that would mean much to you or I, but it captured something of importance to that client. Now, when she calls on her inner strength, the value of “tiger’s eyes,” she has a visual image of what is important about that value. It helps her to live the value more fully. Sometimes a word may mean something to one person that is different from what you or I would think it means. For example, the value of “connection” means to me the spark of life that goes from one person to another. For me, connection can happen walking down the hallway of an office building, or between my son and myself. I had a client who had a different interpretation of that same value. For her, “connection” was intensely private. She felt “connection” with close family members and friends, but acquaintances and people she knew at a distance carried a different value, “community.” Both of us are right. That’s the thing about discovering your values: nobody gets to be wrong. Good and Bad Values Many times people think values have to be honorable, or “good” in order to be a real value. There is no big “values cop” that punishes you if you value something that goes against public opinion or social mores. The truth is, if you can’t live without this value being honored in your life, then it’s your value, no matter what it is or what anyone else thinks. (Of course if you value something that is illegal, society has consequences.) When I was in training to become a Certified Professional Coach, one of my classmates identified in herself a value that honored living well. Our assignment was to wear something that represented our value. She brought a borrowed mink stole to class and wore it all day. Whenever she was wrapped in that stole, she sat taller, took longer steps when she walked, and had the most serene look on her face. Even though some people might have judgments about opulence, or wearing fur, honoring her value made her more of who she was. She, on that day, was fulfilled. And that’s the point really, to identify and live your values. When you are clear about what must be in your life, then you know what to say no to and when. Life is simpler.